It’s impossible to say this without sounding arrogant, but people greeted my arrival in this world with much acclaim. Given that you’re an infinitely more impressive person than I, I should think yours was equally momentous.
Does it sound melodramatic to say that I often feel like the world’s against us? That everyone, despite their espoused adoration of us, is secretly waiting to spring a trap upon us before we can accomplish anything of consequence? Does it sound pathetic that I’m often paralyzed by fear of the world, fear of time marching onward, fear of everything, and that maybe I think you’re part of the cause?
I feel like I’m often wasting my time by trying. Success, failure… do they really matter in the long run? Does anyone care? Would they even bother to remember if anything of note did happen? It’s not like I’d have to do much to win back their vapid favor, anyway.
Remember the other day? If you don’t I can’t blame you. In every objective measurement, it was the most average day that can possibly be experienced. But I remember it, if only because it showed me how magnificent humanity can be when it isn’t trying to be. I’m not saying this blindly, either. Remember when you pointed to each person and tried to deduce what their biggest internal conflict was? How you pointed at the man who walked silently in front of a woman and said that he was her husband, and that he beat her, not physically but psychologically? Even if that was incorrect, it stayed with me. It’s the kind of insight only a person like you could have, even if it’s entirely wrong.
Tell me, with your profound insight – what’s my flaw? I don’t mind if you guess. At least it’s a tentative step in any direction, instead of the monotonous standing-still that I’ve been doing.
I like to reminisce about that day, mainly because it was the last day of sanity we shared together. It was the last time I could claim to have spent time with you and retained my sanity afterward. Or maybe the time before that was the last time, because after the other day, that’s when the insanity began. Insanity, of course, meaning the clash between my egomania and my self doubt.
I hear you speak sometimes, and oftentimes I react without thinking. I do things I regret, but I can’t admit that. I try to express my admittance in any way I can, but I can’t just say it to you. I just cannot say it. I see myself in the mirror, I lay awake, I indulge in the most mindless activities, all in an attempt to assuage my frustrating inabilities.
I look in the mirror yet again. I am incapable of seeing anything beyond myself.
Is this reasonable? I suppose the better question is, am I reasonable? Is the way I am reacting on the whole reasonable? Am I truly experiencing these thoughts and events the way they should be experienced, or am I reacting poorly to the preconceived notions I have of what this experience should be?
Nothing’s ever changed.
I need your companionship. I know that that’s a lot to ask at this time, but please, this is all I ask.
